Diary Entry 3/27/16

surrender
This is a few weeks after I wrote it, because I was unsure I wanted to share. Somehow in the past 48 hours, I have felt compelled to update my blog site and add some elements to it. And this is the first page that I opened to, after deciding to share some of my writings. This entry is from my journal written on Easter morning while in Sedona, AZ.

“I just finished reading the Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer. I highly recommend it. I’ve been trying to get through Untethered Soul for nearly 2 years with little success. But this one, I could hardly put it down. I have come to see how I ‘should’ all over myself even for my spiritual practice. I’ve been trying to control it. My biggest take away was that my meditation practice is the single most important thing I can do and the more I bring my focus there, and let go of some of the other practices then everything will fall into place. Even my writing, which is usually stream of consciousness is directed by the personal mind. Let it all go. Simply allow life to lead me. Whatever needs to fall away will, whatever needs to accelerate will. Don’t do it based on my need to control. Everything is on the table…EVERYTHING! Let go of all the control, the preconceived notions, the thoughts that control, the personal mind voice, that chatter that can keep me up. Just talk to it and see what it is; don’t manage anything…just allow yourself to be managed by Source and watch your life start to flow…and simply allow all that power that is to course through you. You’ve wanted this, you’ve known yourself to be at the cusp of what is possible, so all;ow it – let go of the need to control, let go of the desires you think you have and watch and allow the magic of God’s creation work through you. LET GO LET GO LET GO BE BE BE BE BE BE BE BE ALLOW ALLOW ALLOW ALLOW SURRENDER SURRENDER SURRENDER EXHALE!”

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6 Words That Rocked My World

  My husband Jason is a scientist and someone who has a very intense filing system for a mind. His mind never shuts down. If the average person has over 20,000 thoughts a day, he probably has more like 10x! 

For 13 years that we’ve been together I’ve suggested, pleaded, begged, implored, recommended and pretty much done everything I could to ask him to develop a meditation practice. I’ve sent him articles from journals that he respects that espouse the benefits of a meditation and mindfulness practice; all to no avail. 

This past week was extraordinarily stressful. Both our kids had birthdays and instead of parties we settled on a weekend at Legoland which while a lot of fun is exhausting if you’re not under 12! The drive to Carlsbad which is usually 2.5hrs took 4+hrs on a Friday afternoon after school. The bonus there was  seeing friends we hadn’t seen in over 4 years and dinner with my best friend!! 

Later in the week, other things happened to us which threw us off kilter and by Wednesday we were not our best selves. We got into a big argument which ended in a 4 hour must-needed conversation about many unspoken things– things that got put on the back burner when kids and life happened. By now it was 11pm and my husband with the filing system of a mind the size of a museum was in overdrive. And then he said the words I’ve waited all these years to hear him say…

Will You Teach Me To Meditate?

I immediately burst into tears…relief, joy, gratitude and a feeing of closeness to him in a way that has been sadly missing between us for a while. We sat on our living room floor, across from each other, candles lit, mantra music barely discernible in the background and I led him through a Black and White breathing meditation. I emerged from meditation before him, and as I sat there in silence watching him with his head looking down, he never looked more beautiful to me. His face, usually wears the weight of our life that he’s chosen to bear, and in those few moments he looked so serene, so at peace, so reminiscent of how he looked to me when we first met. The light of the candles caused his rugged features (which I adore) to be softer, almost fluid. My eyes welled up again. I was never more in love with him than I was at that moment. I was transported to our wedding day and how I loved staring into his handsome face on Hearst State beach as we said our self-written vows to each other 10 years ago. 

It’s only been two days but he’s asked that we do this every night together as a new ritual for us. 

It’s been 13 years in the making and I never lost hope that one day we would sit in silence together and allow our energies to dance in the candlelight together. Yes indeed, dreams, even seemingly impossible ones can come true. 

Next up, couples yoga and (dare I say it) couples spa day. 

Maybe.

I’m patient.

I can hope.

Why I Am Happy

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Now has come, an easy time. I let it roll. There is a lake somewhere so blue and far nobody owns it. A wind comes by and a willow listens gracefully.

I hear all this, every summer. I alight and cry for every turn of the world, it’s terribly cold, innocent spin. That lake stays blue and free; it goes on and on.

And I know where it is. – William Stafford

Where’s your blue lake? When times get tough, or when you’re in a state of overwhelm where can you retreat to? Even if only in your mind, even if only for a few moments? Do you have a sanctuary? A place that is yours and yours alone? One that you can’t share with anyone because you feel like you’ll get laughed at or ridiculed?

Yes, I have a blue lake. A place where I retreat to for safety and to regenerate. A place that sets me free and strengthens me. It’s a place of my own construct. I laid every brick, nailed every nail, painted every wall and flawlessly and lovingly furnished every room. My blue lake is a home…with a view of the ocean, with a room for me- painted white, elegantly appointed with rich upholstery but minimal furnishing. This room is where I meditate. It offers unobstructed views of a deep blue ocean! I can see dolphins beckon- and after my meditation I join them. I’m free, strong and completely One with the universe. I Am.

I got pulled over by a policeman today

Yes I did. I was driving home with my 7yo after dropping my 3yo off to school so we could have a ‘girls’ day off’ while on Spring Break. I turned down a street, just one turn away from my home, doing a California Roll (barely stopping) at the stop sign and in the microsecond that I made that turn and saw him, I just knew he was going to stop me. I looked him squarely in the eyes as I drove by, watching my rear view mirror to see if he would turn his car around…he did.

Now first off – in the past, whenever I have been stopped (just about 3-4 times in my life) my heart would race and I would get really nervous – this time, I was calm. Curious!

Anyway, he probably ran my plate then came up to me and I was handing him my license and registration before he asked. He said what I knew he would say, that I didn’t stop; (I did tap the brakes, I just didn’t stop long enough) – I looked at him and said that I knew the moment that I saw him that he would be pulling me up for this. He took my stuff back to his car to do whatever it is they do. And in that moment, as I waited to receive the ticket (I saw him pull out a pad and start to write something) I remembered my meditation class from last week. It had been such a good teaching that I pulled out my iPhone and started taking notes, making sure to tell the teacher after the fact, that that’s what I was doing, lest she think I was texting in the middle of her teaching.

What she said was profound yet so simple as profound statements tend to be. She was talking about the effort that it takes to train your mind and that it is as important to clean our mind as we clean our bodies, our homes and our cars. The statement that I went to, in that moment waiting for the policeman to come back and give me a ticket for the California roll was that of finding a spiritual practice in every mundane act that we do. In my case sitting there, I thought of this: ‘thank you Universe for one more sign┬áthat I should slow down. I receive this message with humility and a sense of acceptance of whatever the consequence is for my action.” And I actually found myself smiling at that moment.

So Mr. Policeman with a very sweet Eastern European accent returns to my side and asks me for my home or cell phone number. (is that usual? Don’t remember that from my last pull over from over a decade ago) He asks me what I do – I tell him I am self employed. He asks in what? I say I am a Wellness Coach. I am figuring he’s filling out details on his triplicate ticket that he’s about to rip out and give me. He then says he isn’t going to give me a ticket this time…rather let me off with a warning – that I have a child in the car and that I am in a residential area and that I should be more careful. I thank him out loud, bless him in my heart and make my way home basking in the love that has just been shown to me by The Universe, by way of a very thoughtful police officer.

So my invitation to you is to consider what ordinary activities do you engage in everyday that you can transform into a spiritual practice. Here are some thoughts to ponder:

  1. Food cooked with love and consciousness is an expression of love and kindness.
  2. See the potential in every activity you engage in – whether that be cleaning your bathroom or doing your taxes
  3. Develop a mind of compassion in everything you do
  4. Recognize that even an intention to control your mind and develop peace causes a karmic event. No action is ever wasted.
  5. You’ve created the cause, you will experience the effect.

Think of negative thoughts as ‘bad weather in the blue sky of your mind’ turbulence is momentary – blue skies ahead!

Let me know how I can assist you on your journey. I’m in your service and sending you light & love

Inner and Outer Problems

I attended a Buddhist meditation class last week. The teacher talked about inner and outer problems in a way that really resonated with me. Outer problems are the ones we have no control over- the ones that happen to us as a part of living our lives- our car breaks down or someone cuts us off on the freeway, an accident backs up traffic and makes us late to an important meeting or job interview, people talk to us badly or any myriad of things– these all comprise outer problems and there’s not a whole lot you can do about it.

The inner problems are the ways we chose to deal with these outer problems. We can get super aggravated, retaliate by cutting off someone else or chase after that person to flip them off, get really upset and develop anxiety or have sleepless nights and really make ourselves and those around us miserable because of how badly we are being treated by someone in our lives whether it be a co-worker, a boss, a parent, a spouse or a friend or anyone else for that matter.

This really got me thinking about this topic because I can certainly relate to this. In the past year I had a situation going on with me where for months I was in what I felt was a ‘stuck’ place– I didn’t feel like I had a way out with this person’s behavior and I couldn’t understand why I was being treated this way. I started sleeping badly, getting into fights with my husband Jason, and my 7yo started acting out which made things worse– only in hindsight after I extricated myself from that situation (and things at home went back to normal) was I able to realize that my husband wasn’t trying to ‘be controlling’ my daughter wasn’t ‘acting out’ rather it was ME! They were the mirror for my thoughts and actions and were merely ‘doing’ what I was…except they weren’t really doing anything– I was!! This was such a huge realization to me.

How you chose to let this affect you is in your hands. Typically when someone treats you badly or says something that hurts it’s them using you as a mirror that reflects how they feel- and because they dislike how they feel and they don’t know how to articulate it so they lash out against those that are closest to them- usually family and people they care for and interact with on a regular basis. You can’t change them, but you can change you!

I decided that my self-worth wasn’t tied to this person’s treatment of me, that no one gets to treat me this way- and that I ALWAYS have a choice! ALWAYS!

There are two types of suffering in the world– the one is where you learn from it and never go through the same experience again– and then the other where you didn’t actually learn and implement your lessons and so the way the Universe works is that you continue to experience the same lesson over and over– what is it that we are taught in school at an early age? Repetition is a pillar of learning! Life lessons are no different. It took me 10 years and three different experiences to learn this particular self-worth lesson. I consider myself blessed to have had such great ‘teachers’ because without the angst they caused- I’d never have had these breakthroughs.

So what can you do when you find yourself in what feels like and untenable situation?
1. Remember that we give words a lot of power. We can take that power back.
2. By being hurt/offended/upset by someone’s actions or words against us we are giving away our power to that person- and we can TAKE IT BACK!!
3. You always have a choice! Extricate yourself from the situation as quickly as your time, situation and resources allow.
4. Mentally disconnect from that situation and remind yourself that you control how you think and feel. And YES you can control your mind.
5. Surround yourself with positive people who believe in you! Use them like an AA sponsor and ask to connect with them when you’re feeling low! There’s no better feeling when your mentor, well wisher or biggest fan tells you how great you are because they truly believe that!
6. Affirm daily that you are strong and that you are in control of how people behave with you.
7. The world’s greatest thought leaders and humanitarians all shared the same message- Love and Forgive. Mahatma Gandhi, the father of the nonviolence (Ahimsa) movement in India is noted for literally ‘turning the other cheek’ and he’s not alone. I’ve never read the Bible- but someone once told me that the word Forgiveness appears more often than the word Love.
8. Most of all love yourself above all else. Love yourself the way you love your children. Imagine how you would respond if someone hurt your child, said mean things or physically hurt them- that pain would be unbearable — it is that emotion and feeling that I want you to tap into when you love yourself. When you do that– nothing and no one will be able to say or do anything negative to you because you will have taken away their power to do so!

Make a decision today that you will not let your feelings run away with you. That you’re in control and that you can’t be hurt by someone else because their words/actions have no power over you. It’s your time to shine!

Sending you light and love

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Healing Rhythms with Drs. Deepak Chopra, Andrew Weil, Dean Ornish

Meditation has long been proven to be one of the most effective ways to alleviate stress and take control of our own health. Even just 10 minutes a day can make a difference and set us on the path to calm and teach us to quiet our mind! Yet that is difficult for many. This is a wonderful step by step process for those of you who have thought you might want to, but don’t know how! I’d love your feedback through comments as to your progress!

Namaste.

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click here to sign up for the 15 step Healing Rhythms Program- it’s free